The Emotional Bank Account
Hello Friends and HNY!
You may have noticed that I’ve been writing about a lot of personal stuff lately. It’s because well… to be honest, parenting has been full of ups and downs lately. One of the hardest parts for me is trusting the fact that my kids need to make mistakes. Lots of them.
Just the other day, I felt so constricted as I watched one of my daughters make a choice with a friend that I didn’t agree with. It makes me cringe to even think about it again. I knew that if I could just keep calm and steady, she would absolutely see my amazing adult wisdom and be led in the right direction (I hope you hear the humor in my voice here.)
Of course, we as parents can know all the right things to do in any situation. We’ve read the books and learned through life’s experiences. But, in reality, we’re just as human as our kids are. Instead of keeping calm and steady, I fully reacted.
“I think you’re making a bad decision,” I said a bit too loudly. And once those thoughts were verbalized and activated, I just couldn’t hold back. My words kept coming. Stronger, more judgmental, and not at all grounded. As I’ve said before - if you can relate, blink twice.
I bet you can guess what happened next. That’s right. My daughter started crying, and asked me to leave her room. And she was right to do so. I was totally invading, judging, and reacting from fear. I wanted to control her life! As if I have any control! OMG parenting is hard.
So, I decided to call a friend/mama mentor to go for a walk and help tend to my big feelings. Luckily my friend was able to hold space for me. “Deb,” she reminded me. “She needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them.”
I knew she was right. Her gentle guidance was so helpful. It was also helpful to feel like I could safely cry a little and name all my catastrophic fears. I felt myself coming back together and my nervous system regulating.
Then, my friend said something else that really struck me. “And..it’s okay that you shared your opinion with your daughter, even if it didn’t feel helpful or productive. That’s what being a parent is.”
That really struck me, because parenting is such a balancing act. Yes, reacting from a place of fear is usually never a good strategy, but sometimes we really do have good perspective. And even though our kids have to learn things through their own experience, they do still hear us when we use our words thoughtfully.
I decided that a repair was necessary. I sent my daughter a text so she could have some time to digest it. I wrote, “I am sorry I was judgmental. I don’t know what it’s like to be in your shoes…and I trust you.” I so badly wanted to add,“But I think….." Thankfully I had enough self control to not add the BUT.
The end of this story is actually sweet, although that’s not always the case. My daughter ended up blowing me a kiss when she walked in later that day. That was it. It was enough. I didn’t feel attached to an outcome, and I knew she heard me on some level.
So, what’s a parent to do? Bite our tongues constantly when we see our kiddo having a blind spot? Add our two cents even when we are not being asked? I have to admit, I don’t know the answer to this question and it is certainly not black and white. But, I do know that when there are daily deposits in the emotional bank account between family members, we tend to have more influence on them. Added bonus, they also tend to give us a little more grace when we mess up.
What is a daily deposit in the emotional bank account, you ask? This is a term that I learned from John Gottman. Gottman uses this term in adult relationships but I am applying it to adult/child relationships. In short, it’s those little things throughout your day that help remind them that you’re there for them. It is gestures that increase a bond. When I repaired and my daughter blew me a kiss, those were both deposits into our emotional bank account. Of course, these are things that will look unique to you and to your family, but here are some ideas:
Sending a love note or text here and there letting them know how you value them.
Make time to be with them and do things they want to do (but only if it’s within your value system.)
Take time to listen to them, even if the timing is really inconvenient.
Go on a walk with no agenda.
Drive them to Target (I know…eye roll.)
Get old school, and go out for hot cocoa.
Repair thoughtfully and humbly after a fight.
Offer up a foot rub while laying on the couch.
As we open the door to a new year, I invite you to explore your family’s emotional bank account. What are some things you can add to your relationship with your tween or teen that will help sustain you through those sticky parenting moments? And where can you choose connection over being “right?”
Again, these don’t have to be big gestures. Sometimes that little blow of a kiss speaks volumes louder than anything else could.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and keep an eye out next week for upcoming offerings.
With so much love and respect,
Deb
